Good Intentions

I have been on the verge of tears all day –and I am not sure if they are tears of sadness or tears of anger, or both. I have worked so hard to improve myself the past few years. I have been through some heavy shit starting with — My husband had cancer! Fucking Cancer people — having to face the reality that he could die is not something I wish on anyone ever, let alone seeing him go through treatment. We got through it and if you didn’t know about what we had gone thru, you sure as hell couldn’t tell we did today. I take pride in that —

I try very hard to approach things with the best of intentions. I show up at my job wanting to do the best job I can. I approach CrossFit, wanting to perform the best I can. I try to be a good friend to people — and have the best intentions when building the relationships I do. I am a very good person — I truly want the best for people and want to be liked. I want to be respected for what I do and be around smart, sharp people that love to laugh, innovate, inspire and motivate those around them.  And lately it seems when I start to feel things are going well in my life — someone or something shows up that feels like a big sucker punch to my gut.  I don’t understand it — I have been wrestling with it in my head for days now — I can’t sleep, I am teary, I can’t eat, I can’t laugh. I am beyond upset and can’t figure out why I am attracting people that do not want the best for me.  It sucks — and this time I responded very differently than I had before and am trying to process what happened before making a decision on how to act upon it. I hate to be so cryptic but the actual situation doesn’t really matter —

When you are in a situation where you are someone’s punching bag and you get bullied every time you may have made a misstep – and I say may because you aren’t even sure if what you did was wrong — you can only take it for so long. And when it happens every few months, and it becomes hostile and threatening – you owe it to yourself to make a decision. For me, it’s decision time — As my one friend says, you can fight back or you can take it in the ass, it’s your choice.

As normal practice, I don’t like to cause ruckus in my life. I want things running as smooth as possible. Life is too short!  My kids and husband are healthy, I have a house to live in, food on my table — love in my life and that’s what really matters to me. I remind myself of that when things start to get to me outside of that bubble because I have all that I need. But it really has come to a point where it is interfering with all of that.  I have to be strong and fight back because I refuse to take it in the ass anymore —


2 thoughts on “Good Intentions”

  • I don’t know what your situation is, however, I felt that I should reach out and share something with you. I have recently found that it is often best to go directly to the person you have an issue with and try to clear the air. (I have no idea if you have done this or not but I thought I would mention it anyway.) Sometimes we try to avoid the conflict but you will be better served by just tacking the issue head on. If you cannot resolve this issue one on one then take it to the next level. Start with the basics. Have a conversation. Hope you find some peace.

    • thanks. I am getting my thoughts together to talk to them so I completely agree. I wanted to get over the anger first so I can have a rational conversation with them. thanks for taking time to share that with me — means a lot.

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