Posts tagged marriage
This was waiting for me on my Facebook wall when I got into the office this morning by Scotty –
“Remember our 18 year anniversary? We had to cancel our dinner reservations because we forgot you had to take our daughter to that annoying teen show/concert thing. Do you recall how both of our kids were sick, coughing up lungs and leaving tissues all over the house for the dog to get? How about battling with the kids over the dishes even though it would be easier for us to just do them, but we don’t because we are teaching the kids responsibility? How we ran errands separately so we can divide an conquer? Remember how I sang “Girl you don’t need makeup” to you, and you stopped me saying that the song is not actually a nice thing, and then you sang Kanya “18 years 18 years..” and I stopped you reminding you how that one isn’t appropriate either? Happy Anniversary – I can’t imagine taking on the world with anyone else and still have as much fun as we do. I love you and can’t wait to see you after work… after I run errands to get the kid’s meds and whatever else you remind me that I forgot to do.”
True to my personality, I added…
“remember how I said I wouldn’t be mad at you at all today — and then I got mad at you. And how i forced you to take a selfie?”
I don’t have any special magical advice to share about marriage. It’s a lot of work, there are peaks and valleys. We do genuinely like each other as well as love each other. We laugh a lot. We treat each other with respect, even when we are angry (which does happen). We like hanging out together. Above all else though, we are committed to one another. It’s us – in it together.
Me, a recent University of Arizona grad starting a new job – scared and excited about the opportunities that lie ahead.
You, an Arizona native, who had started a few months earlier thanks to your Pops, who left an application on the shop’s chain link fence.
We had both been on our own for many years – navigating our twenties without any sort of plan or guidance.
Ryan introduced us – in the break room. I remember the warmth you gave off when you smiled. I remember feeling attraction, giddiness, and curiosity.
Our first date Feb 4, 1995– Chinese food, then dancing and drinks. We found out about each other. I can’t remember a time after that where I didn’t feel special around you.
You ‘got’ me. I ‘got’ you. Our life began to flow.
We moved to VA. Got married in Vegas. Bought the house. Adopted Scully, the dog.
Three years into our marriage, we found out we were having a baby. Neither of us had been around babies growing up. Shocked by the news, we had no idea what to expect. Our family and friends were supportive and excited for us. It was such a fun and happy time.
Hannah Bea came into this world right on her due date. Our lives would never be the same. We became parents. Two years and one month later, Nathaniel Ryan was born. A girl, a boy; our family was complete.
We became increasingly busy and had more demands put on us. Family, work, and life responsibilities constantly colliding – we began to lose track of time and failed to appreciate how preciously short life can be.
We got a big wake-up call, didn’t we? Cancer reared its ugly head. We quickly shifted the gears of life and put all of our power and energy into getting you well. As with most challenges you have faced, you stepped up with determination, humor and quiet strength. It wasn’t easy, but you did it. Cancer Free.
Our life began to flow again. A bit different than before the big ‘C’, of course, but strong and steady all the same. We moved forward with the gift of perspective.
Today, far from perfect, we are happy. We have a sincere affection for each other, rooted in love, laughter and security. There is no one else in this world I trust more or who makes me feel more at home than you.
Twenty years ago today, a wonderful adventure began…
Marriage is Hard Work
This week my husband shared a story about a couple we know that are no longer together. It was quite a shock to hear the news that they are divorcing – they seemed very well suited for each other, had a couple of kids – just like me and many of you -they seemed on the surface to be just like any other normal suburbia couple, so what changed?
I read this story the other day before hearing the news of this couple: Did Single Friends Kill My Marriage? — and while the details of this couple’s story are a bit different it has the same feel — and reminded me of them and many other couples that I know that have split.
Wife starts to come into her own, starts working out, getting fit – taking more pride in her appearance and how she feels. Is successful in her career and starts to be around a younger set of people. Mid twenties – thirty year olds who have no kids, no spouse and like to go out on the scene. Wife has never really had that kind of experience before and now that she is getting more attention from guys because of her improving appearance – she starts to enjoy that scene. And then for whatever reason she prefers it to her home life and starts to put her energy into that and away from her suburbia life –her husband and kids.
She feels that her husband isn’t the person she wants to be with anymore –and the stuff she liked about him in the first place is exactly the stuff that is wrong with him now. Then she for whatever crazy reason in her head -decides to throw all shit to the wall and stops coming home, starts to lie to her husband, does not give her kids the attention she once did — decides to abandon her life and start fresh. Leaves her family, starts shacking up with a co-worker that she apparently was shacking up with the entire time, gets fired from her job and now what?
WTF is that about? We all make choices in our lives and people change. We are not the same people we were when we get married in our twenties. Lord knows I’m not at all like my younger self and I thank God about that every day. I think it’s the reason that I have been hearing about quite a few couples splitting up around this age — they grow apart. But there is no reason why you can’t grow together and still maintain a separate passion or hobby for something…
Reading that article – I can see how easily that can happen especially when one spouse discovers a passion or hobby for something that the other doesn’t necessarily share. We all know that marriage takes work and sometimes its super hard work. I don’t know one couple out there that would disagree with that — It’s constantly tested by huge life events and mundane ones, and add in kids, money, health — man – it’s probably one of the toughest relationships out there but – when it’s right, it’s right and there are huge benefits and amazing joys that come from it.
And as the article points out – your marriage should be your first priority and your spouse should come first. I like to use this saying, which I say as a joke but it’s underlined in truth: Life is too short and family too precious- and your husband could have cancer. The grass is not greener on the other side, trust me.
So today – was a strength day and my favorite lift: Dead Lift!
total reps: 100
You know what I love? On my drive home I see older couples walking. Many of them are Asian or Indian — just walking, together. It’s early in the morning and they are walking. Some walk fast, some slow but they walk together. That’s seriously one of the secrets of staying youthful and together. Exercise and alone time with your friend or mate. I have no way of knowing whether they talk during their daily walks, but just doing something together is the key.
Lately, couples I know separating, on their way to divorce. Why do you think that is? Is it because around this time of our lives — we stop and assess where we are, what we want, and what we have done and ask ourselves — is this enough? is this what I want? am I happy? Some partners just give up. They don’t want to work on it, they don’t care enough about their mate to do it — they take the easy way out. Some work on it and it just becomes clear — it’s not going to work. Time to move on. Whatever the reason, they are breaking up.
Think about it – are you the same person you were when you got married? It’s ok to be more than that person — but the core of you is still there. You are an enhanced version of you –but you are still there. I know so many people that are not even close to the person they were when they first met their husband/wife. They get so wrapped up in their lives and all the stress of running it, they forget themselves and their marriage. Is that fair to themselves, their spouse or their kids?
Marriage isn’t easy. Sometimes it’s downright impossible. It’s work and it needs to be a partnership. There are times when you have to be partners — running the business of your lives. But there has to be enough time to be a couple — connecting over hobbies, interests, laughs. Independent of the kids — putting time into your marriage. I can go on and on about this topic — how you are teaching your kids what a marriage is, how you are teaching your kids about the importance of you as an independent person with interests, hobbies, how you are worth the time to make yourself look & feel your best, how marriage is not a perfect thing — you fight, annoy each other, but in the end –it’s a commitment to each other that is fun, fulfilling and loving.
When you get a chance, look in the mirror and ask yourself – are you the person that your spouse married? If the answer is no –what can you do to bring parts of that back into your relationship? I’m not saying that it will fix all of your problems, but it’s a start.
10 Pass thrus
10 Ring Rows
10 Push ups
10 Good Mornings
7 rounds for time of:
4 Power Snatches 45 lbs
4 Overhead Squats 45 lbs
4 Overhead Walking Lunges 45 lbs
21 Sit-up (standard)s
ScienceDaily (June 21, 2011) — A new study shows that being married boosts survival odds for both men and women with colon cancer at every stage of the disease. Married patients had a 14 percent lower risk of death according to researchers at Penn State’s College of Medicine and Brigham Young University. That estimate is based on analysis of 127,753 patient records.
Similar to studies of other types of cancers, the researchers did find that married people were diagnosed at earlier stages of colon cancer and sought more aggressive treatment. The researchers took those and other factors into account before calculating the benefit of marriage on survival odds.
“Controlling for the stage that the cancer was detected is key,” said Sven Wilson, a study coauthor and professor at Brigham Young University. “Without that, it’s hard to know whether the analysis is just picking up a diagnosis effect.”
Colon cancer is the fourth most common type of cancer in the United States for both men and women. Curiously, the marriage benefit seen in the new study was nearly identical for both men and women.
There are some things that you can’t change about genetics and attraction I guess – no matter how far we have come. I posted this with regards to how women and men are viewed when they are in positions of power – and what is considered acceptable traits for one are actually detractors for the other. Think about all the scandals involving famous men – Kobe, Magic Johnson, Sir Charles, Presidents Clinton/Kennedy, White House Staff, Finance Moguls, Celebrities — most of them weather the storm of bad press and resume their careers. Some even seem more famous and powerful post scandal. As a society it seems to be the norm. Sad…
One has to do with what we typically consider attractive and/or sexy in men versus women. For better or worse … as a culture, we see competence and power as very attractive features in a man. The more power and competence a man and his position (and money) denote, the more attractive he will seem to a whole host of women. This, by the way, explains the appeal of the military flight suit. I single out the flight suit, as opposed to military dress uniforms, because there is nothing inherently attractive in what military pilots refer to as their “green bags.” And yet, a pilot walking into a bar in one increases his chances of getting a date by an order of magnitude over a guy in a t-shirt and jeans. Why? Because the flight suit denotes competence and a certain level of power.
A woman pilot wearing a flight suit into a bar, on the other hand, will see her chances of a date fall. Why? Because (and again, this is a general trend, there are always exceptions), we don’t see competence and power as sexy in a woman. If anything, they’re threatening. When I bought my current airplane 12 years ago, (a simple, four-seat, single engine model), a male friend of mine congratulated me on the purchase, but then added,
“You know, Lane, this is not exactly going to help your love life.”
Is that image changing? Of course it is. More and more men are waking up to the benefits and appeal of a smart, competent, independent and powerful woman. But as a culture, what makes a woman appealing is still her looks, not her power.
For Better, For Worse
What would you do if your new husband was struck with a deadly, disfiguring disease? For Diane Reiners, the diagnosis was a test of love, strength, and the power of wedding vows.
Cancer doesn’t make it easier to love someone. I change his bandages and remind him to take his medication. I make him high-calorie smoothies of Carnation Instant Breakfast, peanut butter, oil, and ice cream. Once, during an MRI, he was fussing like a 2-year-old; I snapped at him and he snapped back at me. I felt guilty for the rest of the day. Still, we rarely fight. We laugh when people say that marriage is hard work. Cancer is hard work; our marriage is easy. But taking care of him can leave me without much time to take care of myself—I don’t go for checkups with my own doctors and I quit going to the gym. Still, there is nothing—nothing—I’d rather be doing than being there with him.
I read this entry obviously being able to relate to it. Dealing with cancer within a marriage differs from couple to couple – and patient/caregiver relationship – it really does test your relationship. There are times when you think you just want a break – get away from it all – at least for me, those thoughts were fleeting and brief. Being able to help and support my partner no matter the circumstances is what I signed up for. He is my best friend and I can’t image life without him – and it’s true – there is nothing else I would rather do than to be able to support and help him back to health. It’s what love is and we are stronger because of it. Our kids get the benefit of our marriage being tested like that and we both did in terms of how we relate to what’s important in life.
And although this author mentions not being able to get to the gym, we all know I chose a different path and got to the gym as a way to help everyone around me. Taking care of the caretaker which I think helped us not only survive our experience, but thrive…