What not to say to a cancer patient

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Three little words kept me from sharing my feelings with family and friends until long after my cancer treatment was done:

“You’ll be fine.”

Though well-intended, the words were conversation-enders, and made me feel guilty for being sad and frightened.

“Cancer is the boogeyman,” says Walter Baile, a professor at the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston and director of their ICare program, an online resource aimed at helping improve communication between cancer patients, their families and their medical team.

“More than any other disease the word cancer scares us to death and evokes thoughts of death,” Baile says. Our reaction to such frightening or bad news, is almost like a reflex. “We try to counteract our fears by reassuring others and saying things such as, ‘you’ll be fine.’”

Talking about cancer can be painful and awkward for both the patient and the well-wisher. Here’s advice from cancer survivors and medical professionals on what not to say to someone with cancer, as well as helpful alternatives.

“My friend died of cancer”

Dr. Wendy Harpham, 56, doctor of internal medicine and mother of three from Dallas, learned she had non-Hodgkins lymphoma in 1990. As both a patient and a physician, cancer tales have been the narrative of her life for the last 21 years.

“Patients don’t want to hear other people’s bad cancer stories — and sometimes not even good stories — because they’re focused on themselves. It can make them feel badly if you set the bar too high with stories about how well someone did during treatment.”

Skip Rogers, 50, of Plano, learned he had prostate cancer in 2008. His theory about why people tell these stories? “I think maybe they’re trying to connect with you. In some way they’re saying they’re sorry but don’t know how to do it.”

Mevelyn Mendoza, 63, of Garland, has survived several cancers. They all began in 2002, with her diagnosis of colon cancer. “Someone told me a friend had colon cancer and it came back and she passed away. I said, ‘Oh I wish you hadn’t told me that!’ They seemed shocked at my response, said they were sorry. I had to tell them it really hurts to say something like that when I am in the middle of this.”