I have been thinking a lot about my posture and how I look in general. I saw some candid pictures from the CrossFit Murph WOD on Monday and candidly — I was seriously horrified at how I appear. I was hesitant to post this, but then thought about how one of the things that made me start to blog regularly was to know that I am not alone in the way I feel and think. So here goes…

You know how you have this vision of yourself in your mind — and then you see few pictures of yourself and it has the power to break me down. Bad photos and the scale’s numbers have this amazing hold over me that can break me or make me depending on the good/bad it tells.  That’s what happened to me this weekend. After seeing some of the pics of myself doing and post Murph WOD — I seriously got messed up in my head. That is not the vision I had of how I look. I am not looking for sympathy or compliments when I share this either. To some of those that I have shared this with already, I heard how crazy I am. But this is what goes through my mind: How come I don’t look as amazing as the other athletes I work out with? I work just has hard, focus on my nutrition and I still don’t look what in my mind would be considered good. It’s tough for me to share that with everyone, but if I am not honest here, then why bother? Can you imagine how frustrating that is to me? In many ways I am glad CrossFit doesn’t have mirrors or a scale because it’s not about those things –its about being fit. But if they did, I think I would be even harder on myself. There are times when I see people who I know read this blog outside in the real world, and I think to myself –oh man, I hope they aren’t disappointed by what they see or think –‘with all that working out, you would think she would look better.’ Pretty pathetic thoughts right?

I can sit here and talk about how it’s not about how you look and it’s about being fit all day long, but in reality it’s something that I am still learning to acknowledge and accept – obviously. I think I work so hard at it not only because I love the feeling I get and the people I hang out with, but because I don’t think I look good. I saw those pictures and thought how schlumpy I look and how much more work I have to do. It’s really upsetting to me and it has been going through my mind for days now– and I know these feelings will fade into the background of my life once again, until they bubble up from another bad image. I can prepare and talk about being ready for it — but it’s so sad that it has this type of control over my outlook. I can understand how it can consume one’s life — the strive for what one considers perfection. So, I’m down this week about it and battling against these types of thoughts, but I know it won’t keep me down and on I go.

Today’s workout was about Muscle Ups. Yeah, good times.

Warmup
50 DUs
10 PassThurs
10 Good Mornings
10 Head Rotations
10 Trunk Rotations
1 Rope Climb (or rather for me, attempted)

Skill
Muscle Up

WOD
15m AMRAP
7 Muscle Ups (I did MU Transitions)
400m Run
total rounds: 5

Muscle Up Video: