I am still recovering from my big party weekend but had a great workout still – upper body workouts are a specialty of mine. I looked up at the leader board that CFI has on the board that lists top 10 athlete workout times and I am on the board with most of the workouts that focus on the upper body. Which brings me to something that f’d with my mind a bit over the weekend…
I saw this picture and the first thing that came to my mind was how big I look. And my mind raced around all the work I do and I still look like a big bulky girl. It is not how I see myself so it really screwed me up mentally. I called my sister Dee who talked me down from all the negative self talk I was doing. A picture does not define me. I will never be a small dainty girl with tiny arms and I really have 2 choices — fat big arms or toned big arms but Big Arms are not negotiable. It’s how I am built — upper body strength, broad shoulders, tiny waist and legs and as Dee said — I have to get over this internal shit of being a chubby fat girl who is so self conscious about how I look.
I am 41 years old and still have the same insecurities that I did when I was a teen. Sad isn’t it? Part of it is — I don’t want to be a disappointment to people out there. People that see me get up early all the time and work hard on my fitness and I still don’t look like Jillian Michaels. I know that even Jillian doesn’t look like Jillian but it’s hard to get the images out of my head of what my ideal vision of fitness looks like. I don’t want people who are look at the work I do to look at a picture like that and say oh man — all that work and she looks like that. YES i know I am being an Eeyore – but sometimes I get down on my progress and where I think I should be vs. the reality of where I am. I also think there really is something to that whole body dysmorphic stuff because what I hear from my friends is not what I see many times.
I know I have to change the voices in my head — as I have written about before but it’s not like a snap of the fingers and poof they are gone. It’s constant battle and commitment to SEE things differently – to challenge the negative thoughts in my head. I have triggers and weak moments when those Eeyore thoughts are louder than the ones that drive me to push through.
We all have our triggers & I’m learning to prepare for them so I can push thru without it holding me back.