I have a lot on my mind — so much so that I woke up with a headache. A lot of what’s on my mind is causing me a lot of grief. First off — I went to my doctor yesterday and accidentally saw the number on the scale. Whenever I get weighed, I make a request to not know the number. It causes me a lot of unnecessary drama and sure enough — it did its thing.

I am not going to share the number but I will say that its 10# higher than it has been in a few years. And I know I am the first one to tell everyone around me that the number on the scale doesn’t indicate whether you are fit. And I know I need to walk the walk – talk the talk. But I, like the countless other women out there, fall prey to it from time to time.  If I am having a weak moment or a particularly stressful week — and then something else piles on it. Well my focus becomes unsteady.

Seeing that number brought me to tears. I will be honest –have I been completely focused on my overall nutrition? NO but I haven’t been completely out of whack. I swear and it is frustrating that the weight creeps back on. Could it be muscle? Yes it could but not to this extent – I have noticed a bit more around my mid section and that my once loose pants are no longer loose. I can get in them –but they aren’t fitting the way they used to. It’s time to be honest and figure out WTF is going on inside my head. Because if you think about it–that’s where the issues begin.

I have noticed an overall decrease in some of my progress at CrossFit too. Have I gotten stronger? Yes. Heck I am doing 6 dead hang pull ups! So I am strong and fit — but am I completely well? No. Here are some things I am going to focus on and improve in the next thirty days:

1. Stick to the Nutrition Plan
2. Practice at least 5 m of Mindful Meditation 2x a week
3. De-clutter 2 rooms in my house: the mud room and bedroom
4. Go do something that I find super fun
5. Go Get a Massage
6. Deliberate Focus on Positive Internal Messages

You can join me and create your own list! Don’t make it HUGE and unattainable. You will just be setting yourself up for failure! Use the KISS principle!

My doctor was not concerned with my weight. He showed me my blood work results from last year and the HUGE improvements I made when I first went gung ho Paleo. He showed me the HUGE decrease in risk factors that the results showed by doing what I am already doing. He also told me once again that there are some factors that I just can’t change. Genetics play a big part.  I am not built to be small and skinny.  

And all of this I know — but there are times when I am weak and susceptible to esteem issues and need the people around me to just give me a hug. 

The question is – When will I be good enough? Only I have the answer.